INSANITY
April 28, 2006
by: jovial_cynic
by: jovial_cynic
I've spent some time trying to figure out what goes on in my head. I think I am going insane... to an extent. And not in the cliche "everybody-is-a-little-insane" kind of way, either. I mean... I sometimes think that there's something actually broken.
As human beings, we connect the dots between related items and events, and we create a framework of thoughts and understanding that way. We communicate with one another based on the lines we've created between things... and for the most part, people tend to speak the same language about it all. People tend make the same types of connections, and that's how communication happens.
I think I tend to make connections between unrelated things. Most of it is benign - I've made connections, for instance, between the time it took to make a decision about what color shirt I'll wear for the day and the timing of an accident I witnessed while on my way to work. Intellectually, I understand that it's meaningless... there is no connection. But something inside of me can't ignore it. And I do it all day long. Every day. About everything. If you've seen the movie "A Beautiful Mind," you might understand what I'm talking about. It's not as extreme as it is in that movie... but it's similar. And there are times when I really get lost inside the world of imaginary connections... and it's terrifying.
The last time I visited my dad, I saw a bunch of articles clipped from magazines and newspapers... and when I talked to him, he said some things that I just blew off as being conspiracy theory nonsense. Now that I've started to see my own mind making false connections, it makes me wonder if he's making those false connections as well... and that I'm genetically wired to have the same beautiful mind.
I wonder what drugs are available for this kind of thing. The only problem, I think, is that I kind of enjoy making the connections. I'm afraid that if I take some drug that turns that off in my head, I'm going to feel like I'm missing something.
As human beings, we connect the dots between related items and events, and we create a framework of thoughts and understanding that way. We communicate with one another based on the lines we've created between things... and for the most part, people tend to speak the same language about it all. People tend make the same types of connections, and that's how communication happens.
I think I tend to make connections between unrelated things. Most of it is benign - I've made connections, for instance, between the time it took to make a decision about what color shirt I'll wear for the day and the timing of an accident I witnessed while on my way to work. Intellectually, I understand that it's meaningless... there is no connection. But something inside of me can't ignore it. And I do it all day long. Every day. About everything. If you've seen the movie "A Beautiful Mind," you might understand what I'm talking about. It's not as extreme as it is in that movie... but it's similar. And there are times when I really get lost inside the world of imaginary connections... and it's terrifying.
The last time I visited my dad, I saw a bunch of articles clipped from magazines and newspapers... and when I talked to him, he said some things that I just blew off as being conspiracy theory nonsense. Now that I've started to see my own mind making false connections, it makes me wonder if he's making those false connections as well... and that I'm genetically wired to have the same beautiful mind.
I wonder what drugs are available for this kind of thing. The only problem, I think, is that I kind of enjoy making the connections. I'm afraid that if I take some drug that turns that off in my head, I'm going to feel like I'm missing something.